Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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