I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
You smell like a Billy Joel song
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
