I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
