U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize