I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
