If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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