WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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