While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
