the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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