i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
