Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
