do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
