final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
