you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
