We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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