I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
