Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
