I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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