I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
