My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
