Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
