The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
