there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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