respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize