I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
