did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
