i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
