You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
