I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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