You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
