Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
