I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
