I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Your cock deserves a montage
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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