Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Randomize
