I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
