I wish I could teleport
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
