Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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