drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Randomize
