yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
