your parents love me but you hate me
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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