i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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