i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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