Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There r osticjed everywhere
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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