you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
