just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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