I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
You smell like stripper and shame
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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