: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
