shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
