Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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