My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
