drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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