i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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