after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
