The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
