my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
