i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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