Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
