When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
