I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
