The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize