once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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