Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
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