booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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