remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
