i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
