Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
